Healthy Relationships
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Why do we need to learn about
relationships? We spend years learning about math, science,
etc., but we never really have formal training in how to have
good relationships, nor do we formally learn how do identify
bad ones.
It’s important to
learn about them because we all have various relationships in our
lives (peer, family, romantic, professors, advisors, etc.) and
having healthy relationships can make us more effective, happy
and healthy (and keep the stress level down). Unhealthy relationships
can contribute to dysfunction, poor health and unhappiness. |
Characteristics of Healthy Relationships
Tips on Communicating Effectively
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Focus thoughts and know what the goals, wants, needs and results
should be before communicating and practice how you will convey
them.
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Listen carefully (active listening), try not to be distracted
by other thoughts (planning a defending argument), show respect
and keep an open mind.
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Be clear by speaking openly and honestly and avoid blaming
by using “I” statements versus “You” statements.
An example is one person in a relationship is always late and
the other is really bothered and hurt by this behavior. Use “I” statements
when telling the late person that this behavior is troublesome.
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Pay attention to your emotions and chose another time to talk
if you think your emotions will make it hard to say what you
want to say.
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Check to see if your body language matches what you are saying
(importance of nonverbal behavior).
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Make sure to understand the other person- do not jump to conclusions
about what the other person wants, needs, thinks or feels.
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Be able to compromise (flexible)- admit your mistakes and apologize
when you are wrong or have hurt the other person. Do not hold
grudges.
Support
- Be there emotionally and/or physically for the other person
through good and bad times.
- Accept the other for their differences, strengths and weaknesses.
- Show an interest in issues the other finds important.
Respect/Equality
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Speak and act respectfully to the other; allow for give and
take in the relationship
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Try to divide the power evenly in a relationship but understand
that there will be times where the power is unequal.
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Have the ability to set limits and boundaries in a relationship
and respect others’ limits and boundaries- they should
be communicated clearly and should not be too rigid.
The Value of Separate Identities
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Be connected to the other person while still being separate
from them or maintain a clear sense of self while remaining close
emotionally and physically to another (Have a relationship without
the relationship having you).
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Make time for yourself, other events, friends and people that
are important to you.
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Have your own opinions, interests, friends and things going
on in your life and continue to pursue other things and progress
as an individual.
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Keep your life balanced- the relationship should not be the
only important thing in your life and you should not be dependant
on it or on the other person.
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Be open to being influenced by the other person. You
do not want to be rigid but you do not want to be controlled
either.
- Be yourself!
Characteristics of Unhealthy Relationships
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A person stays in a relationship because they need it to be
happy vs. wanting to stay in a relationship because it enriches
their life.
- The relationship is going in a direction that feels unsafe.
- There is unresolved conflict.
- A person lets go of their interests, friends, family, identity,
etc. for the other person.
- Self-esteem is reduced by the relationship.
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You experience pressure to do things you are not
comfortable with (i.e.: sex, drugs, lie/cheat, act unethically/unprofessionally).
- Relationship is abusive (i.e., physical, sexual, emotional,
neglect).
How to leave an unhealthy relationship
Written by Jessica Sanchez, M.A.
Caltech Counseling Center, April 2004 |
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